Telling

I have written the letter that I will give to my husband to read about my sexual abuse as a teen.  I have edited it.  I have asked him when would be a good time to have him read something important and at first he said in about a month and then felt worried and wanted to read it sooner.  He said he has a feeling he knows what it is about.  Anyway, for me it feels like the cat is almost out of the bag.

I did not expect to feel so scared to do this.  I am afraid that he will not want me anymore, or treat me differently.  I am afraid I will hurt him with this.  Or I am afraid that he will react in a way that makes me distrust him.

What is strange is I KNOW I was molested on several occasions but I still fall into a pattern of thinking "its not a big deal" or "I could have prevented it".  I read up on sexual abuse and my symptoms keep leaping out at me.  I hate that I have harbored so much shame and guilt for so long.  I hate that I confused molestation with every doctor I went to and felt molested there.  I hate that all my anger, confusion, and depression was treated with pills instead of counseling.  I hate that I never trusted anyone to tell them and no one ever asked.  I hate that it is only now that I am realizing that what happened was not okay, and that I shouldn't feel the way I do.

I am afraid that I will tell him all this and he will not want me anymore.  That he didn't sign up for this.  That he will be mad at me the way I was afraid my parents would have been.