Journal Entry 4 (ending 2009)

I am scared to go to the doctor--I don't know where to start.  I am scared that though I have ovaries, my eggs will be useless or non-existent.

I feel like a failure to my husband.  I find myself hoping that I accidentally die somehow to spare him an empty future.  He's still young and can find happiness with someone who can make him a father.  I should have never let him marry me.  I wasn't meant for anything in this world.  Just a mistake, a natural disaster.

While visiting family at Christmas I cried myself to sleep twice.  One at my sister's and once at my mom's.  It was just so hard because I awoke to a baby crying. I wanted to wake to a baby instead of to depression.

I am pretty sure my depression has become pretty bad.  I don't have much faith in tomorrow but understand it is my responsibility to move forward.  I don't want to kill myself, I just wish I was never born in the first place.

When I think of the future all I can imagine at this point is sadness.  I can't even imagine a child anymore--it seems so fairytale.  I read about these other women with MRKH and they are doing everything to have a baby.  Shelling out cash and taking out loans--and they are failing.  I can't handle the thought of losing my future again and again.  I can't be told I can't do it.  I think that would be my total downfall.  I would lose all hope.  I don't know how I would learn to cope with that.  I would ask my husband to leave me.  I would hope he would.  I don't know if I could ever be happy, I would have to distract myself with traveling or drinking or start doing something reckless.

I obsess over money.  I worry I will take out a loan to have a baby and fail and then the monthly bills will come reminding me that I have to pay for my failures.

I guess my state of mind is despair.  I don't see tat happiness is an option.