I am so beside myself with grief. So much has been compacting me deeper into lifelessness. I feel like I will keep fighting forever and never be happy. I feel useless and angry. I want to be beaten. I want to be hit by a car or crash into a tree, to get away from all my worries and fears and failures. I want to make my last mistake and never be remembered.
I waited 20 minutes before driving home today just so I wouldn't do anything stupid. Then I put my makeup back on to cover the tears and ended up smearing snot all over my face. I have such a dreadful feeling inside, I want to dig it out. I want to feel the pain of my heart being sliced away from my poisoned body. I honestly hate who I am. I hate me. I want to stop having panic attacks. Why do I even fight for my breath? Why breathe so deeply?
Its all a scary dream, or scary movie and you just want the terror to end. I can do that, I can be my hero and end this monster.
But I don't want to be anyone else's monster. I scare me enough--I have to protect those who care for me so they never know the terror.
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