I've done well lately to distract myself from my...whatever. I've lost 26 lbs working on another 10. I am eating only raw vegetables and fruit. I work out 5 times a week, always cardio, sometimes weight training too. I've pushed harder at work and believe I will be promoted.
A friend of mine is worried I obsess over my situation too much. Which I know is true. I don't think I could face tomorrow if I wasn't though. I've got to think and push and do. Unfortunately, this will mean sadness, tears and pain. But I can't fail before I try. I have to try. If I fail, I will assess that. I still feel that I wouldn't want anything to do with myself if I fail.
I'm not angry with god. Even in he is there. I just don't think he is worth my time. God won't make me better or worse. And I'm not going to save my last dance. I'm not going to think of reasons about my after life to make me feel optimistic. What difference does it make if everyone else gets mansions, 17 virgins, their own projected happiness, and I don't? It changes nothing for me. I don't think I could ever go back to being a believer. I'd be believing in the Easter Bunny, for someone else's sake. And I just don't care.
Most of what I do is so that I can feel like I am someone worth being with.
Its amazing to me that I can just cry and cry. If I even slightly remember how sad I've been, WHAM, there it is. The ELEPHANT in the room. Everything is terrible. Sleep, tomorrow, food, goals. Awful. Its why tomorrow I will not eat.
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