Tuesday, January 31, 2012

This I do

-Scratch myself raw in the shower
-Pull out my eyelashes
-Constantly plan meals but never eat them
-Eat less than 500 calories a day
-Use herbal laxatives
-Hate my body
-Plan every menu each day so I won't go over

I know that these things are developing a potentially bad health system. It is not every day I am less than 500 calories but I feel awful when it is. I never throw it up. So let's say I ate well but then someone wants t go out for drinks and happy hour. I know I am going over. I will just pop some herbal laxatives when I get home.

At work, I consume around 100-200 calories all day. Some of my co-workers have noticed this and have started making comments about my meals. So now I try not to eat around them at all. Deniability.

But I am not an anorexic. I don't excessively work out. I can't, I don't get the time, and I don't have the energy. Because of that I am still way bigger than I would like to be. Plus, I am also afraid that I will pass out if I push myself to do that. And if that happens then everyone is going to lose their shit.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Oh Happy Dagger

The different roles I play are vastly different than the one in here. At work I am the top employee, I make jokes, people laugh. People even like me enough to buy me things on a whim, beg for my attention, all but start a fan club. I don't write these things because I have some sort of sense to brag. My point is I don't care that much about it. I do it all because it is a wonderful distraction from eating and hating myself.

At home, I am a devout wife. I make dinner the moment the door shuts. I dote on my husband.

When the lights are off, and only my light remains, is the time I have no more distractions. Nothing left to think about but the things I try not to think about. I have no jokes for this blog. No dinner to fix.

In fact, this blog is the only place I write things like this. I am a writer so I have a hard time just writing something that has no purpose. I hate to just write this shit. It really is just shit. Just stuff that goes through my head when I can't help it.

I have been in this stale state of existence where I keep catching myself falling into a routine where I think everything is okay. Like in high school, just going through the motions. Letting life just carry me to what comes next. Its unambitious. I get angry with myself that I don't have more to do with my life. That I fear that push just like the next person and I want to jump. But if I keep taking my sweet ass time to jump...

Then again, I hate that I write "I" so much in here. So self-centered. What do I matter really? Why have I taken such an interest just because I am stuck in this head of mine?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Beauty and the Beat

I know that I do not have a high self esteem.  I constantly think about my weight.  I look in the mirror and hate literally everything I see.  And I know this is just me being crazy.  I was in a store the other day and didn't know there was a mirror in front of me and when I saw myself, for a moment, I wasn't sending daggers to every flaw on my body.  It was a strange sensation.  I will see a different person when I see a mirror and when I see a picture.  I realize I do not photograph as heavy as I think I am.  I don't know why I hate my body so much.

I heard someone say that they wanted to be the kind of wife that loves their husband and loves themselves. I wish I could do that.  I know it pains my husband to hear me fret over my image.  I feel like I hate anything I can't change.  And that leaves a lot of things to hate.

So I beat myself up, all the time.  There isn't a single thing about me that I am comfortable with.  I would change into a completely different person if I could.

I spend time bathing and scratching my skin to get all the dead skin off (somehow I think this makes me cleaner and thinner) and this week I did it too hard and drew blood behind my knee.  It didn't bother me. And I hate the idea of liking pain.  I don't like that it leans towards a cutter personality.  I don't like that when I read about tips to avoid cravings they encourage me to do that and I want to.  But I wouldn't.  One thing about my husband is he has his degree in psychology and reads about all this stuff.  So he would know if he saw scars.  I hide everything else well.  I always eat around him.  The only time I eat is around him.  To him, I always eat.  But in reality I am keeping under 500 calories a day.  At work I eat around 75 calories a day.  Or drink, rather.  Usually miso soup and broth, and tea.  Then I am free to eat around 400 calories around him.

Funny, you would think I'd be a lot thinner.  Humph.