-Scratch myself raw in the shower
-Pull out my eyelashes
-Constantly plan meals but never eat them
-Eat less than 500 calories a day
-Use herbal laxatives
-Hate my body
-Plan every menu each day so I won't go over
I know that these things are developing a potentially bad health system. It is not every day I am less than 500 calories but I feel awful when it is. I never throw it up. So let's say I ate well but then someone wants t go out for drinks and happy hour. I know I am going over. I will just pop some herbal laxatives when I get home.
At work, I consume around 100-200 calories all day. Some of my co-workers have noticed this and have started making comments about my meals. So now I try not to eat around them at all. Deniability.
But I am not an anorexic. I don't excessively work out. I can't, I don't get the time, and I don't have the energy. Because of that I am still way bigger than I would like to be. Plus, I am also afraid that I will pass out if I push myself to do that. And if that happens then everyone is going to lose their shit.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Oh Happy Dagger
The different roles I play are vastly different than the one in here. At work I am the top employee, I make jokes, people laugh. People even like me enough to buy me things on a whim, beg for my attention, all but start a fan club. I don't write these things because I have some sort of sense to brag. My point is I don't care that much about it. I do it all because it is a wonderful distraction from eating and hating myself.
At home, I am a devout wife. I make dinner the moment the door shuts. I dote on my husband.
When the lights are off, and only my light remains, is the time I have no more distractions. Nothing left to think about but the things I try not to think about. I have no jokes for this blog. No dinner to fix.
In fact, this blog is the only place I write things like this. I am a writer so I have a hard time just writing something that has no purpose. I hate to just write this shit. It really is just shit. Just stuff that goes through my head when I can't help it.
I have been in this stale state of existence where I keep catching myself falling into a routine where I think everything is okay. Like in high school, just going through the motions. Letting life just carry me to what comes next. Its unambitious. I get angry with myself that I don't have more to do with my life. That I fear that push just like the next person and I want to jump. But if I keep taking my sweet ass time to jump...
Then again, I hate that I write "I" so much in here. So self-centered. What do I matter really? Why have I taken such an interest just because I am stuck in this head of mine?
At home, I am a devout wife. I make dinner the moment the door shuts. I dote on my husband.
When the lights are off, and only my light remains, is the time I have no more distractions. Nothing left to think about but the things I try not to think about. I have no jokes for this blog. No dinner to fix.
In fact, this blog is the only place I write things like this. I am a writer so I have a hard time just writing something that has no purpose. I hate to just write this shit. It really is just shit. Just stuff that goes through my head when I can't help it.
I have been in this stale state of existence where I keep catching myself falling into a routine where I think everything is okay. Like in high school, just going through the motions. Letting life just carry me to what comes next. Its unambitious. I get angry with myself that I don't have more to do with my life. That I fear that push just like the next person and I want to jump. But if I keep taking my sweet ass time to jump...
Then again, I hate that I write "I" so much in here. So self-centered. What do I matter really? Why have I taken such an interest just because I am stuck in this head of mine?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Beauty and the Beat
I know that I do not have a high self esteem. I constantly think about my weight. I look in the mirror and hate literally everything I see. And I know this is just me being crazy. I was in a store the other day and didn't know there was a mirror in front of me and when I saw myself, for a moment, I wasn't sending daggers to every flaw on my body. It was a strange sensation. I will see a different person when I see a mirror and when I see a picture. I realize I do not photograph as heavy as I think I am. I don't know why I hate my body so much.
I heard someone say that they wanted to be the kind of wife that loves their husband and loves themselves. I wish I could do that. I know it pains my husband to hear me fret over my image. I feel like I hate anything I can't change. And that leaves a lot of things to hate.
So I beat myself up, all the time. There isn't a single thing about me that I am comfortable with. I would change into a completely different person if I could.
I spend time bathing and scratching my skin to get all the dead skin off (somehow I think this makes me cleaner and thinner) and this week I did it too hard and drew blood behind my knee. It didn't bother me. And I hate the idea of liking pain. I don't like that it leans towards a cutter personality. I don't like that when I read about tips to avoid cravings they encourage me to do that and I want to. But I wouldn't. One thing about my husband is he has his degree in psychology and reads about all this stuff. So he would know if he saw scars. I hide everything else well. I always eat around him. The only time I eat is around him. To him, I always eat. But in reality I am keeping under 500 calories a day. At work I eat around 75 calories a day. Or drink, rather. Usually miso soup and broth, and tea. Then I am free to eat around 400 calories around him.
Funny, you would think I'd be a lot thinner. Humph.
I heard someone say that they wanted to be the kind of wife that loves their husband and loves themselves. I wish I could do that. I know it pains my husband to hear me fret over my image. I feel like I hate anything I can't change. And that leaves a lot of things to hate.
So I beat myself up, all the time. There isn't a single thing about me that I am comfortable with. I would change into a completely different person if I could.
I spend time bathing and scratching my skin to get all the dead skin off (somehow I think this makes me cleaner and thinner) and this week I did it too hard and drew blood behind my knee. It didn't bother me. And I hate the idea of liking pain. I don't like that it leans towards a cutter personality. I don't like that when I read about tips to avoid cravings they encourage me to do that and I want to. But I wouldn't. One thing about my husband is he has his degree in psychology and reads about all this stuff. So he would know if he saw scars. I hide everything else well. I always eat around him. The only time I eat is around him. To him, I always eat. But in reality I am keeping under 500 calories a day. At work I eat around 75 calories a day. Or drink, rather. Usually miso soup and broth, and tea. Then I am free to eat around 400 calories around him.
Funny, you would think I'd be a lot thinner. Humph.
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