The different roles I play are vastly different than the one in here. At work I am the top employee, I make jokes, people laugh. People even like me enough to buy me things on a whim, beg for my attention, all but start a fan club. I don't write these things because I have some sort of sense to brag. My point is I don't care that much about it. I do it all because it is a wonderful distraction from eating and hating myself.
At home, I am a devout wife. I make dinner the moment the door shuts. I dote on my husband.
When the lights are off, and only my light remains, is the time I have no more distractions. Nothing left to think about but the things I try not to think about. I have no jokes for this blog. No dinner to fix.
In fact, this blog is the only place I write things like this. I am a writer so I have a hard time just writing something that has no purpose. I hate to just write this shit. It really is just shit. Just stuff that goes through my head when I can't help it.
I have been in this stale state of existence where I keep catching myself falling into a routine where I think everything is okay. Like in high school, just going through the motions. Letting life just carry me to what comes next. Its unambitious. I get angry with myself that I don't have more to do with my life. That I fear that push just like the next person and I want to jump. But if I keep taking my sweet ass time to jump...
Then again, I hate that I write "I" so much in here. So self-centered. What do I matter really? Why have I taken such an interest just because I am stuck in this head of mine?
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