I know that I do not have a high self esteem. I constantly think about my weight. I look in the mirror and hate literally everything I see. And I know this is just me being crazy. I was in a store the other day and didn't know there was a mirror in front of me and when I saw myself, for a moment, I wasn't sending daggers to every flaw on my body. It was a strange sensation. I will see a different person when I see a mirror and when I see a picture. I realize I do not photograph as heavy as I think I am. I don't know why I hate my body so much.
I heard someone say that they wanted to be the kind of wife that loves their husband and loves themselves. I wish I could do that. I know it pains my husband to hear me fret over my image. I feel like I hate anything I can't change. And that leaves a lot of things to hate.
So I beat myself up, all the time. There isn't a single thing about me that I am comfortable with. I would change into a completely different person if I could.
I spend time bathing and scratching my skin to get all the dead skin off (somehow I think this makes me cleaner and thinner) and this week I did it too hard and drew blood behind my knee. It didn't bother me. And I hate the idea of liking pain. I don't like that it leans towards a cutter personality. I don't like that when I read about tips to avoid cravings they encourage me to do that and I want to. But I wouldn't. One thing about my husband is he has his degree in psychology and reads about all this stuff. So he would know if he saw scars. I hide everything else well. I always eat around him. The only time I eat is around him. To him, I always eat. But in reality I am keeping under 500 calories a day. At work I eat around 75 calories a day. Or drink, rather. Usually miso soup and broth, and tea. Then I am free to eat around 400 calories around him.
Funny, you would think I'd be a lot thinner. Humph.
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