Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Related
I keep trying to compartmentalize my issues. My MRKH separate from my depression, my depression separate from my ED, my ED separate from my past trauma. But they are all connected. I believe that none of these things would have been as bad if I did not have MRKH. I bet I would have never been molested. I bet I would have never started down the path of destruction and depression to develop the ED to the point it is now. But no matter. I can't change it. I don't really want to. I want to wither.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Perfect
Perfection is an obsession that I am not alone in. I find it actually comforting that so many share two of my struggles: ED and MRKH. I hate to be defined by it but I essentially....am. I am who I am because of these things.
My old roommate is pregnant. Fuck.
Someone passively told me (meaning she was talking about it hoping I overheard-yep) that girls would not get eating disorders if they knew that it would ruin their chance to have kids. I wanted to laugh at the irony but instead it was just a direct hit. Battleship down. What does it matter how much I destroy my body if I can't have kids anyway? Maybe I was sick in the womb, maybe I always had something wrong with me and I was born this way.
I mention that I hide how bad my eating habit is. Especially now. I eat nothing all day except a few groups of food: celery, radishes, bean sprouts, lettuce ect... high water high fiber foods. Then I drink coffee, tea, and broth. If I am really struggling I will have miso soup. But by the time I get home, I have it down to a total of 25 calories for the day. Then I make sure to eat a cookie in front of him. To cook dinner and eat it in front of him. It brings it to under 300 a day. I've maintained this lower amount for 3 weeks now and lost 7 lbs.
Honestly, it is a distraction that I can take home. It is something I can do that no one else around me can do. It unfortunately helps me define my womanhood. Being thin, perfect, pretty. It is what I have because I can't be Mom. And when I have to finally tell people that I can't have kids I can blame it on myself instead of tell them what I am. That I was born this way. With ED and MRKH. That my curves concave instead of protrude like yours.
My old roommate is pregnant. Fuck.
Someone passively told me (meaning she was talking about it hoping I overheard-yep) that girls would not get eating disorders if they knew that it would ruin their chance to have kids. I wanted to laugh at the irony but instead it was just a direct hit. Battleship down. What does it matter how much I destroy my body if I can't have kids anyway? Maybe I was sick in the womb, maybe I always had something wrong with me and I was born this way.
I mention that I hide how bad my eating habit is. Especially now. I eat nothing all day except a few groups of food: celery, radishes, bean sprouts, lettuce ect... high water high fiber foods. Then I drink coffee, tea, and broth. If I am really struggling I will have miso soup. But by the time I get home, I have it down to a total of 25 calories for the day. Then I make sure to eat a cookie in front of him. To cook dinner and eat it in front of him. It brings it to under 300 a day. I've maintained this lower amount for 3 weeks now and lost 7 lbs.
Honestly, it is a distraction that I can take home. It is something I can do that no one else around me can do. It unfortunately helps me define my womanhood. Being thin, perfect, pretty. It is what I have because I can't be Mom. And when I have to finally tell people that I can't have kids I can blame it on myself instead of tell them what I am. That I was born this way. With ED and MRKH. That my curves concave instead of protrude like yours.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Water Weight
I have officially come to the point that I cannot talk or mention my diet or weightloss. I have a coworker who is rather catty and she blurted to me the other day "yeah, but most of its water weight, right?" I didn't know what to say. It made me feel like shit. But it also deepened my conviction.
Same coworker said to me about my new lap top case that I was okay to spend money like that because I don't have kids. Ouch. Its like she can see into me to the very things that diminish me and twist the knife on point. I hate my body. Nothing is as it should be.
Same coworker said to me about my new lap top case that I was okay to spend money like that because I don't have kids. Ouch. Its like she can see into me to the very things that diminish me and twist the knife on point. I hate my body. Nothing is as it should be.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Something Depressed and Cliche
I hate that I get into such deep ruts. And sometimes this happens out of nowhere. I can pin point why I am so sad but I can't figure out why it hurts me so much.
Things at work have been great. I've been the top employee for two years. But now they are changing groups around and I will have a whole new fucked up work load and my pretty and pristine work will go to someone else. It depresses me. I want to keep what I did. And I know they do this because they know I will turn it around. But they don't know how much I need things to be just so. Things must be in order, they must make sense, they must meet my standard. And when they don't, I freak out. I hate myself, and my body takes the hit.
Tonight I couldn't have drinks with my friends because I didn't want the calories. And then I realized that I was slipping into my bad eating habits from my previous job. Where I couldn't control a damn thing so I controlled my calorie intake to merely 200 calories a day. The fucked up thing has always been I know these things are bad but I want to do them. And I want to do it now and have for a week...ever since I found out about the change. And I lost 5 lbs in a week.
I'm tired of this. Tired of my life. Tomorrow I have to go to a super bowl party and I want to fake sick because I don't want to be around food.
Things at work have been great. I've been the top employee for two years. But now they are changing groups around and I will have a whole new fucked up work load and my pretty and pristine work will go to someone else. It depresses me. I want to keep what I did. And I know they do this because they know I will turn it around. But they don't know how much I need things to be just so. Things must be in order, they must make sense, they must meet my standard. And when they don't, I freak out. I hate myself, and my body takes the hit.
Tonight I couldn't have drinks with my friends because I didn't want the calories. And then I realized that I was slipping into my bad eating habits from my previous job. Where I couldn't control a damn thing so I controlled my calorie intake to merely 200 calories a day. The fucked up thing has always been I know these things are bad but I want to do them. And I want to do it now and have for a week...ever since I found out about the change. And I lost 5 lbs in a week.
I'm tired of this. Tired of my life. Tomorrow I have to go to a super bowl party and I want to fake sick because I don't want to be around food.
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