Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Related

I keep trying to compartmentalize my issues. My MRKH separate from my depression, my depression separate from my ED, my ED separate from my past trauma. But they are all connected. I believe that none of these things would have been as bad if I did not have MRKH. I bet I would have never been molested. I bet I would have never started down the path of destruction and depression to develop the ED to the point it is now. But no matter. I can't change it. I don't really want to. I want to wither.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Perfect

Perfection is an obsession that I am not alone in. I find it actually comforting that so many share two of my struggles: ED and MRKH. I hate to be defined by it but I essentially....am. I am who I am because of these things.

My old roommate is pregnant. Fuck.

Someone passively told me (meaning she was talking about it hoping I overheard-yep) that girls would not get eating disorders if they knew that it would ruin their chance to have kids. I wanted to laugh at the irony but instead it was just a direct hit. Battleship down. What does it matter how much I destroy my body if I can't have kids anyway? Maybe I was sick in the womb, maybe I always had something wrong with me and I was born this way.

I mention that I hide how bad my eating habit is. Especially now. I eat nothing all day except a few groups of food: celery, radishes, bean sprouts, lettuce ect... high water high fiber foods. Then I drink coffee, tea, and broth. If I am really struggling I will have miso soup. But by the time I get home, I have it down to a total of 25 calories for the day. Then I make sure to eat a cookie in front of him. To cook dinner and eat it in front of him. It brings it to under 300 a day. I've maintained this lower amount for 3 weeks now and lost 7 lbs.

Honestly, it is a distraction that I can take home. It is something I can do that no one else around me can do. It unfortunately helps me define my womanhood. Being thin, perfect, pretty. It is what I have because I can't be Mom. And when I have to finally tell people that I can't have kids I can blame it on myself instead of tell them what I am. That I was born this way. With ED and MRKH. That my curves concave instead of protrude like yours.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Water Weight

I have officially come to the point that I cannot talk or mention my diet or weightloss. I have a coworker who is rather catty and she blurted to me the other day "yeah, but most of its water weight, right?" I didn't know what to say. It made me feel like shit. But it also deepened my conviction.

Same coworker said to me about my new lap top case that I was okay to spend money like that because I don't have kids. Ouch. Its like she can see into me to the very things that diminish me and twist the knife on point. I hate my body. Nothing is as it should be.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Something Depressed and Cliche

I hate that I get into such deep ruts. And sometimes this happens out of nowhere. I can pin point why I am so sad but I can't figure out why it hurts me so much.

Things at work have been great. I've been the top employee for two years. But now they are changing groups around and I will have a whole new fucked up work load and my pretty and pristine work will go to someone else. It depresses me. I want to keep what I did. And I know they do this because they know I will turn it around. But they don't know how much I need things to be just so. Things must be in order, they must make sense, they must meet my standard. And when they don't, I freak out. I hate myself, and my body takes the hit.

Tonight I couldn't have drinks with my friends because I didn't want the calories. And then I realized that I was slipping into my bad eating habits from my previous job. Where I couldn't control a damn thing so I controlled my calorie intake to merely 200 calories a day. The fucked up thing has always been I know these things are bad but I want to do them. And I want to do it now and have for a week...ever since I found out about the change. And I lost 5 lbs in a week.

I'm tired of this. Tired of my life. Tomorrow I have to go to a super bowl party and I want to fake sick because I don't want to be around food.