Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Perfect

Perfection is an obsession that I am not alone in. I find it actually comforting that so many share two of my struggles: ED and MRKH. I hate to be defined by it but I essentially....am. I am who I am because of these things.

My old roommate is pregnant. Fuck.

Someone passively told me (meaning she was talking about it hoping I overheard-yep) that girls would not get eating disorders if they knew that it would ruin their chance to have kids. I wanted to laugh at the irony but instead it was just a direct hit. Battleship down. What does it matter how much I destroy my body if I can't have kids anyway? Maybe I was sick in the womb, maybe I always had something wrong with me and I was born this way.

I mention that I hide how bad my eating habit is. Especially now. I eat nothing all day except a few groups of food: celery, radishes, bean sprouts, lettuce ect... high water high fiber foods. Then I drink coffee, tea, and broth. If I am really struggling I will have miso soup. But by the time I get home, I have it down to a total of 25 calories for the day. Then I make sure to eat a cookie in front of him. To cook dinner and eat it in front of him. It brings it to under 300 a day. I've maintained this lower amount for 3 weeks now and lost 7 lbs.

Honestly, it is a distraction that I can take home. It is something I can do that no one else around me can do. It unfortunately helps me define my womanhood. Being thin, perfect, pretty. It is what I have because I can't be Mom. And when I have to finally tell people that I can't have kids I can blame it on myself instead of tell them what I am. That I was born this way. With ED and MRKH. That my curves concave instead of protrude like yours.

No comments:

Post a Comment