I hate that I get into such deep ruts. And sometimes this happens out of nowhere. I can pin point why I am so sad but I can't figure out why it hurts me so much.
Things at work have been great. I've been the top employee for two years. But now they are changing groups around and I will have a whole new fucked up work load and my pretty and pristine work will go to someone else. It depresses me. I want to keep what I did. And I know they do this because they know I will turn it around. But they don't know how much I need things to be just so. Things must be in order, they must make sense, they must meet my standard. And when they don't, I freak out. I hate myself, and my body takes the hit.
Tonight I couldn't have drinks with my friends because I didn't want the calories. And then I realized that I was slipping into my bad eating habits from my previous job. Where I couldn't control a damn thing so I controlled my calorie intake to merely 200 calories a day. The fucked up thing has always been I know these things are bad but I want to do them. And I want to do it now and have for a week...ever since I found out about the change. And I lost 5 lbs in a week.
I'm tired of this. Tired of my life. Tomorrow I have to go to a super bowl party and I want to fake sick because I don't want to be around food.
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