What we don't know is will it work? Well, I don't know. Should I get on with my life? Should I decide this now, that my life will be forever empty? Fill it with books and art and selfish endeavors? Never becoming who I wanted to be all along? I might as well want to change my age, my race, my height. I am who I am, whole or not. So much weighs on tomorrow and now it seems like yesterday. There's no time. There's no money. I feel so weak.
I don't think about killing myself but I sometimes wish something bad would happen to me. Something that would take me out, that would relieve all the doubts, pressure and my worries would be simpler or gone. I drive often without a seatbelt.
I know the fault in thinking that way. I thought about talking to a counselor but I know what they would say. They would say I am a real woman, whole and worthwhile. They would say I need to not bear all this burden alone. But is is my burden! And who can lift it? Who can solve this puzzle? Who can give me what I need? No, this is my burden. I must carry it. If it weighs 2 tons, it doesn't go away with more backs to lift it. Its still there, it will never go away. I will just learn to accept what I didn't understand all those years ago and what I am coming to understand its full implications. This is not a birth defect. This is not a syndrome. This is not infertility or a challenge. This is a new reality based on something much like worries--except for the expectation that something can be done. Is that fear? Defeat? Doom?
My mind tells me to run away, move far away from everyone and live alone like you are destined. See things that no one else will ever see and let that be your quest, your purpose. Why push so hard to fit in this round hole when you are square. Be square.
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