Fade

I feel attacked by every comment about having kids.  Anything to do with kids.  Today, I wanted to sign up to be a volunteer for an art project with kids and a coworker blurted out "who, you? Who hates kids?" And why was I offended?  My facade worked.  I faded into the background.  This man believes I hate kids.  But, I love them. I envy those who have them.  It is you I hate.

I received a letter from my brother lamenting that he will probably never have kids because he will never get married.  He talked about his sisters and watching them be moms.  But all the while I'm reading this with little thought bubbles that say "except for me" and "yeah, me too" and "but not for me."

Honestly, I hate playing the role of a victim.  I hate not being able overcome this.  I hate kicking myself and pitying myself.  My core personality does not support it.  But it is so overwhelming that I don't know how not to feel this way.  It is an endless cycle of being sad, then getting mad at myself.  Both lead to completely hating myself.

I am on a binging phase right now.  I won't step on the scale because I know how much I have eaten lately.  I starve myself through the whole day then I come home and whoosh...eat and eat. Cereal, pasta, chips, candy, cheese.  I just eat.  I know this is because I am weak and I can only control not eating when I have a proper distraction.  I don't have one at home right now.  I need to remedy that.

Anyway, I do have to say, other than the issues I divulge here, I am a well adjusted person.  I do the best I can with where I am.  I just don't know how long I can hold all the pieces together before I become the creepy older woman with no kids.  Dear God.  There is only one of those at work....and she is really, really, creepy.  Well, hello future.